Dear Ryanair,

I often avail of you so criticising your ways may be a case of biting the hand that feeds. Nevertheless, you are a cruel and neglectful hand.

Yesterday I tried to calculate the hours I have spent waiting on you to come through for me. I have never been a particularly talented maths scholar so it took some time, something I had in abundance what with the indefinite flight delay you were in the middle of subjecting me to.

Bored with calculations, I set off on one of my tours of the perfume counter. These happen in the following manner; smelling every perfume I have ever worn (in chronological order), then smelling the scents of loved ones, then trying to assign miscellaneous scents to the type of characters I think should own them. Then a feeling of slight nausea.

Bored with perfume induced memories, I set off to Books etc. and underwent my methodical tour. I count how many of their 'recommended's I have read, how many of these are new from the last time I was there and how many of the covers of the ones that I haven't read are familiar from just such trips. This is specific to Books etc. of Gatwick, but I have similar OCD customs in Stansted, Luton and Dublin. Then I buy a book. Thank you this time around to Peter Carey. His illegal self soothed the many hours somewhat.

I also have systematical ways of negotiating the clothes shops and of picking magazines (thank you Monocle, Kita Koga is always a nice touch). Then there's the old 'on the hour coffee' which, I always think, is a very sad time in my life.

What I'm getting at here Ryanair is that I have devised many ways for dealing with you and your delayed flights. So all I ask is that you stop refering to yourself as "No. 1 for Customer Service with unbeatable prices and punctuality''. Aside from all the dead time, it needs to be said that a budget Antonio Banderas sporting a gold tooth and a lack lustre santa hat does not constitute customer service.

I once said goodbye to the love of my life for the very last time in Cape Town Airport, but being winked at by your budget Banderas was definitely more upsetting.

KTHNXBY

p.s. Do you not think a load of nuns wearing habits on a flight back to Ireland is a bit much?